Einige der besten Microsoft-Witze

"Starte Windows 95..."

Die letzten Worte meines neuen PCs:

"Starte Windows 98..."

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.


2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.


3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre would cause your car to fail and stop and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.


4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.


5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.


6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.


7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.


8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.


9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.


10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea of what had happened.

 /*
       TOP SECRET Microsoft(c)  Code
       Project: Chicago(tm)
       Projected release-date: Summer 1998
       Original version date : Aug 1994
 */

 #include "win31.h"
 #include "win95.h"
 #include "evenmore.h"
 #include "oldstuff.h"
 #include "billrulz.h"
 #define INSTALL = HARD

 char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

 void main()
   {
      while(!CRASHED)
      {
          display_copyright_message();
          display_bill_rules_message();
          do_nothing_loop();
          if (first_time_installation)
          {
              make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
              do_nothing_loop();
              totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
              search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
              hang_system();
          }
          write_something(anything);
          display_copyright_message();
          do_nothing_loop();
          do_some_stuff();
          if (still_not_crashed)
          {
              display_copyright_message();
              do_nothing_loop();
              basically_run_windows_3.1();
              do_nothing_loop();
              do_nothing_loop();
          }
      }
      if (detect_cache())
          disable_cache();

      if (fast_cpu())
     {
          set_wait_states(lots);
          set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
          set_mouse(action, jumpy);
          set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
      }

      /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
      /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
      printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
      if (system_ok())
          crash(to_dos_prompt);
      else
          system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

      while(something)
      {
          sleep(5);
          get_user_input();
          sleep(5);
          act_on_user_input();
          sleep(5);
      }
    create_general_protection_fault();
 }

#include
#include
#include  /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include  /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define soon way_in_the_future
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version

void main()
{
  if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)
  {
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
      market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
      raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
  }

  while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
  {
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking);
        /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
      make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
      market_time=ripe;
      say("It will be ready in one month);
      order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
      order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
      order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
      vapourware=TRUE;
      break;
     }
  }

  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
  {
     case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
       say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
       break;
    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
       say("Yes it will work");
       ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
       pretend(there_is_no_problem);
       break;
     case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
       say("It will run on an 8086 with lightning speed due to"
                    "the 32-bit architecture");
       inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
       inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
              "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 meg");
       inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will riple");
       get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
       break;
     case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
       say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
       register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
       when(time_is_ripe)
       {
         arrest(journalist);
         brainwash(journalist);
         when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
         {
           order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
           release (journalist);
         }
       }
       break;
   }

   while (vapourware)
   {
     introduction_date++; /* Delay */
     if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
       break;
     say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
    }

    release(beta_version)
    while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
   {
       bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
       release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
       introduce(more_memory_requirements);
       if (customers_report_installation_problems)
    {
      say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
      if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
      {
        ignore(customer);
        order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
                                 b*stard");
      }
    }

    if ( bills_bank_account > skyhigh && marriage > two_years )
    {
      divorce(woman_that_was_beautiful_when_I_married_her);
      wave(dollars, @lusty_chicks);
      marry(young_blonde_virgin_with_big_boobies);
      devirginize(young_blonde_virgin_with_big_boobies);
      if (boobies_start_to_hang)
        dump(young_blonde_with_big_boobies);
    }
    if (there_is_another_company)
    {
      steal(their_ideas);
      accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
      hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
      wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
      buy_out(other_company);
    }
  }

  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are angry at us */

  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
  buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
  laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_to_wait_year_after
            _year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
  charge (a_lot_of_money)
  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  if (still_complains)
  {
    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, big_Bill_book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware */
  }

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker: (looks puzzled). "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

Data: (turns to answer). "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

Data: "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permissio to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

Geordi:(excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"

Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker: "Geordi what`s the status on the Borg?"

Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

Picard: "How much time will that buy us ?"

Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard: "Identify."

Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits" Riker and Picard together horrified: "Lawyers !!"

Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."

Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."