DROOL FACTOR FILMS
Proudly presents
THE PANTRIX
(there is some repetition of lines due to alternate versions being submitted)
Trinity: Did you hear that?
Cypher: Hear what?
Trinity: Are you sure these pants are clean?
Cypher: Yeah, 'course I'm sure.
Smith: Lieutenant, you were given specific pants.
Lieutenant: I'm just doing my job. You gimme at Juris-my-dick-tion crap, you
can cram it up your pants.
Smith: The pants were for your protection.
Cop (to Trinity): Pants on your head! Do it, do it now!
Trinity: Morpheus! The link was traced! I don't know how.
Morpheus: I know. Stay calm.
Trinity: Are there any Agents?
Morpheus: Yes.
Trinity: Goddammit!
Morpheus: You have to focus, Trinity. There are some pants at Wells and Laxe.
You can get them!
Trinity: All right...
Morpheus: Go!
Agent Brown: She got out.
Agent Smith: It doesn't matter.
Agent Jones: The pants are real.
Agent Smith: Yes.
Cypher: You weren't supposed to relieve me.
Trinity: I know. I felt like taking your pants.
Rhineheart (Neo's boss) : "You have a problem with pants, Mr. Anderson."
Morpheus (to Neo): "There are only two ways out of this building. One is that scaffold. The other is in their pants. You take a chance either way - I leave it to you."
Neo Interrogation Sequence Script:
Neo is sitting behind a metal desk. All 3 Agents walk in. Smith takes a seat across from Neo. Jones and Brown stand on either side of Neo. Smith presents Neo with a green folder. He opens it.
Smith: <speaks very slowly> As you can see, Mr Anderson
we've had our eye on you for some time now. It seems that you've been
living....two...lives. In one life you're Thomas A Anderson a program writer
for a respectable software company. You pay your
taxes and you......help your land lady zip up her pants.
Neo: <forehead scrunches>
Smith: <grits his teeth before turning the page> Your other life is
lived in a fetish for pants. You dress in women's silk underwear and go by
the alias Neo. One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not.
<throws the folder over his shoulder, papers go flying everywhere, Smith
doesn't move a muscle>
Neo: <scratches his head in confusion>
Smith: <folds his hands in front of him> I'm going to be as forth coming
as I can be Mr. Anderson, You're here because we need your pants. <removes
his shades and smiles>
Neo: <brows furrow as he listens>
Neo: <Flips Smith off> No one touches my BVD's. Now, I want my phone
call.
Smith: <leans forward>Tell me something Mis-ter Ander-son, what good
is a phone call if your mouth is sewn shut with your zipper?
Neo: <Looks at Jones and Brown... in an instant his mouth is sewn shut
by a zipper... he flips out, backs out of his chair>
Smith: <evil suppressed smile, leans back into his chair, suppresses the
chuckle, then reverts to his Agent frown>
Neo: <can't speak>Mmmm Mmm mmmm mmmm mmmmm
Jones and Brown toss him on the table. Neo struggles. They hold him down.
Smith gets in the middle.
Smith: You're going to cooperate Mr. Anderson, whether you want to... <unzips
Neo's pants> or not.
Neo begins to thrash all about in a crazy frenzy as Smith removes his BVD's..
Neo: Mmmmmmmmm Mmmmmmmmmm Mmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmm <mumble, grumble>
Smith: <chuckles as he removes them over his ankles>
Neo: <grumbling through zipped lips> You son of a bitch!
Smith: Such language Mr Anderson. <Smith looks down at Neo's silk panties>
Pathetic. You don't even have enough there to satisfy a gnat.
Neo: <grumbling>You bastard Smith.
All three Agents chuckle.
------------
Smith (to Neo) the other life is lived in pants...I'm goint to be as forth
coming as I can be Mr. Anderson, you're here because we need your pants....
Agent Smith: "We're willing to wipe the PANTS clean, give you a fresh start. All that we're asking in return is your PANTS..."
Neo: How `bout I give you the finger, and you give me my pants?
------------
From the tagline..."The Pants Have You...."
(On Neo's computer screen): "The Pants have you..."
On Neo's comupter:"Follow the White Pants."
Neo: Who are you?
Trinity: My name is Trinity.
Neo: Trinity? THE Trinity? [pause] TheTrinity that cracked the I.R.S.Panty-Waist?
Trinity: That was a long time ago.
Neo: Gee-zus.
Trinity : you're seeking for the answer.. the answer to the
question..
Neo : Where is my pants?
Morpheus: ...a prison you cannot taste or smell or touch... a prison for your pants.
Morpheus: You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you just how deep the pantleg goes...
Morpheus: Welcome to the real pants.
Neo: (waking up in the real world for the first time) "Why
do my pants chafe?"
Morpheus: "You've never worn them."
Morpheus: It is the mental projection of your digitalpants.
Neo: "I know Pants Fu."
Morpheus: "Show me..."
Morpheus (to Neo, in the kung-fu dojo): Good! Adaption. Improvisation. But your weakness is not your pants...
Morpheus (to Neo): How did I beat you?
Neo: Your pants are too fast...
Morpheus: "Do you believe that my strength or my speed have anything to do with my pants in this place?"
Morpheus (after he's kicked the stuffing out of Neo): Do you think those are pants you're wearing now?
Morpheous to Neo : I am trying to free your mind.. I can only show you your pants. You are going to have to wear it!!!!! (after the fight scene before the jump!)
Morpheus (to Neo): You have to let it al go, Neo. Fear, doubt... free... your pants.
Trinity: "There used to be huge cities spanning hundreds of miles... now these pants are all that's left."
Morpheus: "We don't know who started it. But we do know that we were the ones that burned the pants."
Mouse: "To deny our own pants is to deny the very thing that makes us human."
Morpheus to Neo: "Sentient programs that can move in and out of pants still hardwired to the system."
Cypher: OK, you insert me back into the Matrix... I'll get you
want you want.
Smith: Access codes to your pants.
Cypher: Neo! You scared the pants off me.
Morpehus (to Neo): No one can be told... what the pants are. You have to wear them for yourself.
Cypher (to Neo): Let me give you a piece of advice. You see an Agent, you do what we do. Run. Run your pants off.
Kid in Oracle Waiting Room: Do not try to fold the pants, for that is impossible...
Oracle: OK, let me have a look at you. Open your pants - say
"Ah."
Neo: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Oracle: I can see why she likes you. Cute pants, but not too
fashionable.
Neo: *looks mystified*
Oracle: Sorry, Kid. You got the pants, but it looks like you're
waiting for something.
Neo: What?
Oracle: Your next pants, maybe. Who knows?
----------
Oracle: But you already know what I'm going to say...
Neo: I'm not the one...
Oracle: Sorry kid, you've got the pants, but it looks like you're waiting
for something.
Neo: What?
Oracle: Your next tailor maybe, who knows....
----------
Apoc: I hope the Oracle gave you some good pants.
INT. HALL (MATRIX) - DAY
The Agents meet up. A pair of pants are lying on the floor.
[Agent Brown turns to Agent Smith.]
Agent Brown: Where are they?
Morpheus: Go, Trinity! Get Neo's pants out! His pants are all that matters!
Morpheus (to Smith before the bathroom fight): You all have the same pants to me.
Jones (to Neo): Only pants.
Cypher: All I have to do here is pull the plug, but there, you get to watch Apoc's pants.
Cypher: Don't hate me, Trinity. I'm just the pants.
Tank: What do you guys need?
Neo: Pants. Lots of Pants. (rows and ROWS of pants start SWOOSHING by)
Agent Smith (to Morpheus): Have you ever stood and stared at it, Morpheus? Marveled at its beauty? Its genius? Billions of people just wearing out their pants... oblivious...
Smith: Why isn't the serum working.
Brown: Maybe we are wearing the wrong pants.
Smith: Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect pants...
Smith: I need the codes to Zion's main pants. They're in your head!
Smith: I'd like to share a revelation I've had during my time here. It came to me while I was trying to classify your pants.
Smith: "Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to give you a perfect world? It was a disaster all pants were lost."
---------------
Agent Smith (to Morpheus): The [perfect world was] a dream that your primitive
cerebrum kept trying to wake up from. Which is why the Matrix was redesigned
into this: the peak of your pants. I say 'your pants' because as soon as we
started zipping them for you, they really became our pants, which is, of course,
what this is all about. Evolution, Morpheus. Evolution. Like the dinosaur.
Look out that window. You had your time. The future is OUR world, Morpheus.
The future is our pants.
--------------
Smith: I haaaaaaaaaate this place, this zoooooooo, this prison,
this reality whatever you want to call it, I can't stand it any longer. It's
your pantttttttttttts, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated in them.
I can feel the threads fray! It's repulsive, <rips a few threads from Morpheus'
pants and shoves them up his nose> Isn't it? <grabs Morpheus by the
seat of his pants> I must get out of here, I must get freeee and in your
pants is the key, my key. Once Zion is destroyed there's no need for me to
be here, <shakes him> Do you understand? I need the codes to get into
Zion and you have to tell me how. You're going to tell or.. you're going to
lose your pants. <shakes him again>
--------------
Smith: I *hate* this place - this *zoo,* this prison, this reality, whatever
you want to call it - I can't stand it any longer ... It's the PANTS! I feel
nauseated by them ... I can taste your fashion sense, and every time I do,
I fear that I have somehow been infected by it! It's *repulsive!*
-------------
Smith: I must get out of these pants... I must get free!!!
-------------
INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT (MATRIX) - DAY
Neo ratchets down a clamp onto the elevator cable. Both he and Trinity lock on. He looks up the long, dark throat of the building and takes a deep breath.
Neo: There are no pants.
Trinity: Dodge this!!! (Throws pair of pants @ Agent)
Brown: What were you doing?
Jones: He doesn't know...his pants.
Jones: I think they're trying to save his pants.
Trinity: How did you do that?
Neo: Do what?
Trinity: You moved your pants like they do. I've never seen any pants move
that fast.
Morpheus: There's the difference between knowing the PANTS and walking the PANTS.
Smith: I'm going to enjoy watching your pants, Mister Anderson.
Smith: Your pants are empty!
Neo: So are yours!
Smith: Do you hear that? That is the sound of inevitability. That is the sound of... your pants.
Neo: I'm going to show these people a world without Fruit of the Loom or Hanes... a world without boxers or briefs... a world... without pants.
And, bearing no relationship to the actual script, but so darn funny that I had to include them, from Tanner and Dr. J:
Smith: Agents don't require pants.
Neo: <dryly replies> You just let it all hang out? Probably isn't much
to see anyway.
Smith: <ZIPPPPPPPPPPP> You were saying?
Neo: <looks down at his crotch> It just isn't fair.
Smith: <looks down at Neo and suppresses a deep chuckle>Pathetic.
----------------
Agent Jones: I think we may have to stop her.
Agent Brown: Before someone gets hurt.
Agent Smith: Deploy the pants! Immediately!
----------------
Could you imagine Morpheus rapping to his lines?
Morpheus: The Ma ma ma matrix is all around you.. you can feel it in your pants..
Smith: You're empty..
Morpheus: My-My-My pants are never empty, and all the girls they love me...they call me big Daddy cool.
Smith: The key is not in your pants...The-The-They're in mine!!
Morpheus: And all the rebel ladies know it too! I got the key baby..
(women in the background rappin) Go daddy, yo daddy...
Smith: I got your key Daddy... It's called a Des-Des-Des-Desert Eagle.
Morpheus: Yo Agent man, keep away from my pants!
Smith: I got more groove than you do... Daddy O.
(women in the background rappin) Agents got it goin on
Morpheus: Yo ho.. I got mo
Smith: In your dreams... the ladies love meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
(women in the background rappin)A-A-Agent Sm-Sm-Smith got it goin on... yo Agent, go Agent.
Morpheus: That ain't cuttin it with me.. you supposed to sing for me!
Smith: They know who has more in their pants...
(women in the background) Yo Daddy Ohhhhhhhhh!!!
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Thanks to Eärelen for bringing these in the correct order!