Fairy Count.

A man from the Government knocked on my door,

He must count the fairies living with Bernard Shaw.

What fairies are you talking about? I heard myself say.

Who on earth believes in fairies in this modern day?

Rumour has it you know that in this old house,

There are living fairies and a large family mouse.

Yes Mice I have quite a large number indeed,

The Government doesn’t help me them all to feed.

Fairies though I never have seen; no not one,

Which is a great pity for they are so much fun.

Leprechauns, imps, and a few old gnomes,

Might in my garden have found some new homes?

But I assure you not here in my old house,

There is only room for me and my family mouse.

I did hear in Cornwall a very long time ago,

Fairies and other little folk were on show.

He said that in my back garden was Fairyland,

It was written on some papers he held in his hand.

Now why should the Government count fairies?

They might just as well count all the canaries.

I showed him around my back garden, he was ever so keen,

My vegetables and flowers were the best he had ever seen.

No traces of Fairyland did the poor man find,

Which somewhat settled my very disturbed mind.

He confidently told me he had read all my rhymes,

Some one had written about them in the Sunday Times.

From the Ministry of Magic he was sent to me,

But never a tiny fairy you know did he ever see.

Magic dust had been thrown into his eyes,

He wrote in his report it was all a pack of lies.

That no fairies resided in my old house,

Just me and my large family mouse.

Satisfied he then went on his way,

He won’t come again I am happy to say.

Fairyland is still in my garden at the back of the house,

It is known only to you, me and my ever-loving spouse

Seaweed.

Walking along the sandy beach enjoying the sand between my toes and under my feet I came across some queer looking seaweed. Picking the seaweed up I noticed that there was some nylon thread running through it. Sitting in the sand I unravelled the nylon thread it was in the form of netting. I was surprised at how long it was, it must have been lost from a fishing boat I decided to take it back home with me, it would be useful for tying up plants like peas or even beans.

Back home I took the nylon and placed it on a shelf in my garden shed. I must admit I had forgotten all about it when one Saturday afternoon I needed string to tie some cucumbers in my green house. The plants were quite big and the cucumbers were hanging down to the floor. I had not done very much in the greenhouse this year just planted a few tomatoes and cucumbers. I watered them whenever I thought about it and must admit I was one very lazy gardener this summer.

Taking the nylon thread I went to the green house to tie up the heavy cucumbers. Imagine my surprise when the nylon thread took on a life of its own and before my eyes it tied all the plants in the greenhouse. I looked carefully at the nylon thread it was just the same as when I had unravelled it on the beach a couple of months ago. Although all the cucumbers and tomatoes had been tied the nylon thread had not lost any of its quantity.

I used the same thread a week or two later to tie up my beans it was just the same, although all had been tied not a piece of nylon thread had been used. This was indeed a puzzle. Taking the nylon with me I went into the woods and tried a little experiment. Tying one end of the thread to a tree I walked deep into the woods trailing the thread behind me. The thread remained the same it was just the same amount that I had on the seashore unravelled. I must have walked about three miles unwinding the thread behind me. It remained the same.

I decided to go back home and rewound the nylon thread but the ball did not get bigger it remained the same although I had unwound three miles of thread and now rewound the same. At home I got my magic mirror and placed the nylon thread onto it. The mirror glowed and I saw this series of pictures. Mermaids had been swimming in the sea when they were caught in the nylon mesh of  a boat’s fishing nets.

Neptune on seeing his lovely daughters caught in the nets sent a heavy storm that caused the fisher boats to abandon the nets and make their way into harbour. To unravel the knots in the nets King Neptune got some Octopuses to unravel the nets with their many arms and free his daughters. The nylon thread that they unravelled as they freed one daughter after another caught King Neptune’s eye He placed a spell on the nylon thread saying that whoever unravelled any of this netting would never have to want for nylon thread again. By unravelling the thread that I had found wrapped in seaweed I had invoked the spell of King Neptune.

Now I always have thread for tying the plants in my garden. I even use it for wrapping up parcels for birthday presents or if I want to post a packet I always have thread. The nylon has only one disadvantage and that is the strong smell of seaweed. If you do not like the smell of seaweed then do not unravel any netting that you might find on the seashore. Yes the smell gets stronger on hot days. If you have neighbours that are not friendly do not use the nylon thread. I have even had complaints from the Post Office about the strong smell of seaweed in and around my parcels. One other use for the nylon thread is, if you cut it up into very small pieces and dig it into your garden you will have the best manure in your neighbourhood. The smell is as I say not very nice in fact it stinks. If you live by the seaside then it does not matter whether the nylon smells or not you can always say the tide is in early, or something like that, if and when your seaweed starts to smell.

Fairy Lights.

I took the Fairies to town to see the Christmas lights,

they were all so happy they gave small cries of delight.

The next day they excitedly told this to The Fairy Queen,

Now lighting was something she had never before seen.

Fairyland in winter is dark when the moon does not shine,

A well-lit Fairyland on winter nights would be nearly divine.

Her Majesty asked me if I myself could install such light,

I said, “I could but they would not be quite so bright.”

Her Majesty gave me some pots of Leprechauns gold,

I took this to the bank where it was quickly all sold.

With the money I bought light bulbs and wires,

fittings and switches and four small electric fires.

I placed a fitting and wiring every fifty yards or so,

The little folk all helped me I kept them on the go.

The main switch for the lights I built in my old house,

I placed it in the care of a responsible young mouse.

Each and every day in winter, at seven o’clock at night,

It was the mouse’s job to switch on the electric light.

The four electric fires were for the railway stations,

to keep the fairies warm from other hot nations.

In one long week all the lights and fires were installed,

From all over Fairyland the Little Folk were called.

When all were gathered for this great occasion,

It was as if there had been a peaceful invasion.

Pixies, Imps, Trolls, Fairies and all of the Leprechauns,

heralded this great event by playing on their Fairy horns.

I then sent a message to my responsible young mouse,

He excitedly tripped the electric switch in my old house.

Fairyland for the very first time was lit at night,

Applause and cries from the little folk showing their delight.

Her Royal Majesty, The Most Gracious Fairy Queen,

rewarded me with the biggest diamond I had ever seen.

A feast was held it was to be remembered for years,

I went back to my home with a loud chorus of cheers.

As I laid myself down in my comfy four-poster bed,

reams of electric bills went flashing through my head.

In my Fairyland all is done by ancient magic,

those electric bills are not really so very tragic.

Shamus’s Present.

Many years ago I helped a Leprechaun that was having some trouble from some drunken men. The leprechaun was doing quite well with his shillelagh but I felt I had to help him and I myself attacked the men. They soon ran off when the opposition got too much for them. Since that day the Leprechaun, his name is Shamus, often visits me and has repaid me for my help by mending my roof and doing odd jobs around my big old house. We have had some quite exciting adventures in the last twenty years or so. It did not surprise me to receive a parcel from him.

The parcel had been posted from the town of Killarney in Ireland and had taken three days to reach me. I had no idea what was in the parcel and I opened it with some excitement. Shamus always was good for a surprise or two. Cutting the string that held the parcel together I opened the brown paper wrapping and saw a pair of boots. The boots I tried on and they fitted me perfectly. In one of the boots I felt a small obstruction and reaching inside of the boot I pulled out a piece of paper. On the paper written in the finest copperplate writing a message from Shamus.

If you are ever in danger while wearing these boots jump! I thought to myself to jump in such heavy boots would mean that I would soon be tired. My gardening boots are very old and I had been thinking of getting myself some new ones for while now Shamus had sent me just the right present a pair of boots that would do me well in my garden work. Three or four weeks went by and the boots were a treat to work in. Comfortable with the leather giving way to my every move, I am delighted. I have written to Shamus’s address thanking him for his very generous present. Today I had an answer from Shamus who tells me that he is coming to see me in a couple of days if that is all right with me. It is a pleasure for me to have Shamus come to visit he is full of tales about his many travels.

Shamus arrived some four days later and after a cup of sweet tea and some ginger biscuits he asked me whether I had jumped in the new boots. I told him no that I had, had no need to jump I have not been in any kind of danger. “Come into the garden,” said Shamus and we both went out into my large back garden. “Now jump,” said Shamus, I was not prepared for what happened next. I jumped and landed some sixty feet away from the spot that I had been standing on. “That will happen every time you call jump,” smiled shamus. “I made you these boots with some magic leather as I have heard that you are about to be attacked by a group of wizards.” “This is one of your defences. Another is this my shillelagh, (Irish cudgel) I now give it to you as your second means of defence.” “The third means of defence is your old wheelbarrow. I have taken the trouble to fix it a little, so do not be surprised at what it may do if you are attacked.” I am sorry that I cannot stay to help you, like you helped me but I am officially on some business for Her Majesty Queen Feeana and should be in Delaware in the US of A. Grinning all over his face, Shamus waved goodbye and disappeared in a small flash of smoke.

Going back indoors I thought about what Shamus had told me. I was to be attacked by a group of wizards. I did not for one-minute doubt Shamus’s words he is always too well informed for me to be in doubt. I decided that the wizards would not attack me here in my house as it is too well guarded by Her Majesty Queen Feeana. The garden I did not think that I would be attacked in my garden. My old dog Wag would warn me of any danger. I did take the shillelagh and wore the boots everywhere that I went. Embarrassing for me was the fact that every time that I went out of my house wearing my boots and carrying the shillelagh my old wheelbarrow followed me. I was afraid that the neighbours would start gossiping if the wheelbarrow moved on its own so I put the shillelagh in the wheelbarrow and walked behind it. If any one came along I would bend down and grab the handles of the barrow to make it look as if I was pushing the thing. Half way into town to do some shopping it happened. I was surrounded by a group of five wizards. The wizards were all dressed in black clothing with gold and silver stars on their cloaks on their heads each had a long pointed hat. My old dog Wag gave off a vicious snarl and then did not wait he ran for the nearest and sank his teeth in the man’s leg. The shillelagh sprang from the barrow and started in on the wizards one after the other got a big surprise as the blows rained down on them from the shillelagh. As the wizards fell unconscious from the attacks of the shillelagh. The wheelbarrow under its own power collected the bodies and transported them to the nearest ditch where it promptly pitched them into the dirty water in the ditch.

Then as quickly as it had started it was over. Wag stood by my feet his tail wagging to and fro he was very satisfied. The shillelagh was now resting in my wheelbarrow. My wheelbarrow turned and headed for home. I walked behind and then thought to myself I did not need Shamus’s boots after all I had not needed to jump. Then Wag growled once and I saw that the wizards had now formed a line across my path to stop me from getting home. They were now pointing some magic wands at me and started to chant an old spell. Now I realised I was trouble and called to my boots jump. My boots lifted me to a spot behind the wizards and now my dog wag, my wheelbarrow and my shillelagh were again attacking the wizards. Four of whom were trying to protect the fifth who with his magic wand pointing at me was chanting his spells again. Jump! I landed way behind the wizard: jump again and I was on his left then jump and I was on his right. He just could not concentrate long enough for his spell to work. The five wizards then gave up trying to attack me and off they ran. My shillelagh and my wheelbarrow followed them for a while then returned home to my back garden. Nowadays I only use the boots for my garden work. The shillelagh has a place of honour in my walking stick stand and the wheelbarrow is still as comfortable to sleep in as it always has been. Later I told Shamus of what had happened and he was not very happy, as he himself would liked to have been with me while I was under attack.

Fairy Tale.

Moonlight, silvery moonlight, lightning up the night sky,
Soft shadows covered in incandescent light.
A forest glade movement is all around.
Not even the animals of the night make a sound.
Fairies and elves are holding a midnight meet,
everywhere they are dancing on lithe dexterous feet.
Fairy wings of gossamer silk gently move to music divine,
Elves are the musicians with instruments so fine.
Suddenly the fairy Queen appears out of nowhere,
I, the only human could only stand and stare.
Hardly daring to breath I watched her with delight,
this was my most wonderful, my most joyous night.
Stars were twinkling in the sky above me,
but my eyes had only one scene to see.
The Fairy Queen and the little people of the woods,
my how I felt so happy it was unbelievably good.
Then before my very eyes mushrooms were covered in silken cloth,
a cauldron appeared it was full of steaming broth.
Fairies and elves sat down to participate of the treat,
I still remained rooted I could not move my feet.
Next goblets of sweet nectar for the little people to drink,
I wondered where they came from it certainly made me think.
Then cakes of sweetness appeared from out of the air,
each ate their fill there was more than plenty to spare.
Hurrying clouds suddenly swept across the sky,
suddenly all was gone; I could only let out a deep sigh.
I have often been since in the fairy glade,
with bright moonlight a lightning up each shade.
I have no more seen the fairies or watched those dancing feet
It seems it was a once in a lifetime fairy meet.

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