"Flying is not dangerous, but crashing is !"

Follow us - Wem jetzt genau ? Flugzeuge vs. Frauen
Warum Flugzeuge besser sind als Frauen
Airplanes and Women
a comparison study
Maintenance Complaints
and corrective action by mechanics
Pilots Prayer
Pilots Rules
Pilot Wisdom & Airplane Rules
The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation
The Last Famous Words
Die berühmten "letzten Worte"
Things You Don't Want to Hear on an Airplane
Airline Abbreviations
Airline Sound-alikes
and many more to come ...


FLUGZEUGE vs. FRAUEN - Warum Flugzeuge besser sind als Frauen

Flugzeuge kommen immer mit Bedienungsanleitung.
Flugzeuge haben strenge Gewichts- und Schwerpunktvorgaben.
Ein Flugzeug wird wegen eines Touch and Go's nicht gleich sauer.

Ein Flugzeug nimmt es Dir nicht übel, wenn Du Dich mit einem anderem Flugzeug vergnügst.
Ein Flugzeug lässt sich leichter auf den Rücken legen.
Ein Flugzeug bewegt sich, wenn Du es ihm sagst.

Flugzeuge brauchen nicht ewig, um warm zu werden.
Flugzeuge machen es auch gerne andersherum.
Flugzeuge verlieren schneller Gewicht.

Flugzeuge bleiben länger schön.
Flugzeuge kümmert es nicht, wie viele Flugzeuge man schon geflogen hat.
Flugzeuge stört es nicht, wenn man anderen Flugzeugen hinterherschaut, oder sich Flugzeugmagazine kauft.

Flugzeuge sind immer in der Stimmung für ein bisschen Spaß.
Flugzeuge beschimpfen Dich nicht, wenn Du ein schlechter Pilot bist.
Man kann ein Flugzeug ohne Sorge vor Sonnenaufgang wieder verlassen.

Man kann den (Leistungs)Höhepunkt eines Flugzeuges vorher berechnen.
Man kann sein Flugzeug mit Freunden teilen.
Du musst nicht auf dem Typ eifersüchtig sein, der an Deinem Flugzeug arbeitet.

Du musst Dich nicht mit Pfarrern rumärgern, um Dein Flugzeug zu registrieren.
Du musst nicht duschen, bevor Du mit deinem Flugzeug ausgehst.
Deine Eltern wollen nicht mit Deinem alten Flugzeug in Kontakt bleiben, nachdem Du es abgestoßen hast.

Dein Flugzeug will nie allein mit anderen Flugzeugen ausgehen.
Wenn Dein Flugzeug raucht, kannst Du etwas dagegen tun.
Wenn Du schlimme Sachen zu deinem Flugzeug gesagt hast, musst Du Dich nicht erst entschuldigen, bevor Du wieder damit fliegen kannst.



AIRPLANES AND WOMEN - a comparison study

An airplane can kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.

Airplanes like to do it inverted.

Airplanes can be turned on by the flick of a switch.

An airplane does not get mad if you "touch and go".

Airplanes come with manuals.

Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.

Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.

When flying, you and your aircraft arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes or buy airplane magazines.


MAINTENANCE COMPLAINTS and corrective action by mechanics UPDATE

P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the logbook, and A stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.Different Airplane Designs
A: Almost replaced left inside main tire

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
A: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
A: Suspect you're right.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
A: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
A: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
A: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
A: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
A: That's what they're there for.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
A: Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right", and be serious.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
A: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
A: #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack of normal seepage.

P: IFF inoperative.
A: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

P: Noise behind left panel. Sounds like a little man with a hammer.
A: Removed hammer from the little man.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
A: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.Wright Flyer

P: "The autopilot doesn't work."

P: Radar hums.
A: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Target Radar hums.
A: Reprogrammed Target Radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
A: Cat installed



Oh controller, who sits in tower

Hallowed be thy sector.

Thy traffic come,

thy instructions be done

On the ground as they are in the air.

Give us this day our radar vectors,

And forgive us our TCA incursions

As we forgive those who cut us off on final.

And lead us not into adverse weather,

But deliver us our clearances.




The PILOT always make THE RULES. Der Pilot
  • THE RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
  • No CO-PILOT can possibly know all THE RULES.
  • If the PILOT suspects the CO-PILOT knows all THE RULES,
    he must immediately change some or all THE RULES.
  • The PILOT is never wrong.
  • If the PILOT is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the CO-PILOT did or said wrong.
  • The CO-PILOT must apologize immediately for causing such misunderstanding.
  • The PILOT may change his mind at any time.
  • The CO-PILOT must never change his mind without the express written concent of the PILOT.
  • The PILOT has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
  • The CO-PILOT must remain calm at all times unless the PILOT wants him to be angry and/or upset.
  • The CO-PILOT is expected to mind read at all times.
  • The PILOT is ready when he is ready.
  • The CO-PILOT must be ready at all times.
  • Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
  • The CO-PILOT who doesn't abide by THE RULES is grounded.




  • Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
  • If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.
    That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
  • Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
  • It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than being up there wishing you were down here.
  • The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
  • The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Want proof ?
    When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
  • When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
  • A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
  • Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  • Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.
    Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
  • Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made.
  • There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
  • You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.
    The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
  • Helicopters can't really fly, they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
  • Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
  • If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming
    from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
  • Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
  • In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour
    and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
  • The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, a runway behind you,
    and a tenth of a second ago.
  • The three most dangerous things in aviation are a doctor in a Bonanza, two captains in a DC-9,
    and a flight attendant with a chipped tooth.
  • The three useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, a runway behind you,
    and the fuel in the fuel truck.
  • It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
  • Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
  • Remember: gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's a law that is not subject to repeal.
  • Flying is hours of boredom, punctuated by moments of stark terror.
  • Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations
    where they might have to use their superior skills.
  • Rule one: No matter what else happens, fly the airplane.
  • If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area.
    If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.
  • Airspeed, altitude, or brains; you always need at least two.
  • Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphault.
  • What's the difference between God and pilots? God doesn't think he's a pilot.
  • Jet and piston engines work on the same principle: Suck and squeeze, blow and go.
  • What do you call a pregnant flight attendant? Pilot error.
  • Any landing You can walk away from is a good landing.
  • You can´t make it foolproof ... fools are too inventive.


1. I'm from the FAA  and I'm here to help you.A Bugs Life !
2. Me? I've never busted minimum’s.
3. We will be on time, maybe even early.
4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
5. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
8. I'm a member of the mile high club.
9. I only need glasses for reading.
10. I broke out right at minimum’s.
11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the book.
18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorised.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. We'll be home by lunchtime.
25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.
27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
29. I thought YOU took care of that.
30. I've got the field in sight.
31. I've got the traffic in sight.
32. Of course I know where we are.
33. I'm SURE the gear was down.


THE LAST FAMOUS WORDS - Die berühmten "letzten Worte" für alle die hoch hinaus wollen ... UPDATE

Wer kennt sie nicht, die berühmten "letzten Worte" ...

... der Airbus-Crew: " Das Lämpchen da blinkt - ach vergessen wir´s. "

... des Astronauten: " Nein, nein, meine Luft reicht noch für eine Viertelstunde."
... des Astronauten: " Gestern war hier doch noch so'n Schlauch am Anzug ? "
... des Astronauten:
" Wer hat den Kurs geändert ? "

... der Challenger-Crew : " Laßt die Frau da mal ans Steuer ! "

... des Ballonfahrers: " Hau ab, du Krähe ! "
... des Ballonfahrers:
" So nahe waren wir noch nie am Eiffelturm."

... des Bungee-Jumpers: " Das ist doch alles TÜV- geprüft ! "
... des Bungee-Jumpers:
" Ist das Seil nicht zu lang ? "
... des Bungee-Jumpers: " Ja, das hält. "
... des Bungee-Jumpers: " Hurraaaaaaaa !!! "

... des Fallschirmspringers (als er in den Bodennebel eintauchte): " So, dieses kleine Wölkchen nehme ich noch mit. "
... des Fallschirmspringers:
" Von hier oben sehen die Menschen aus wie Ameisen; Scheiße ! Das sind Ameisen ! "
... des Fallschirmspringers:
" Wo ist denn der Fallschirm ? "
... des Fallschirmspringers: " Welcher Notfallschirm ? "
... des Fallschirmspringers:
" Heute habe ich ihn selbst zusammengelegt. "
... des Fallschirmspringers:
" Das Ding wird schon aufgehen. "
... des Fallschirmspringers : " Scheiß Motten !!! "

... des Fluggastes: " Macht das was, wenn sich der Propeller nicht mehr dreht ? "

... des Fluglehrers: " Nun versuchen Sie es alleine. "

... des Flugkapitäns: " Wir landen in wenigen Minuten planmäßig. "
... des Flugzeugkapitäns
, kurz nach dem Start: " Wo ist eigentlich mein Copilot ? "

... des Kapitäns (COM) : " Wart´ ich zeig´ Dir was !!! "
... des Kopiloten (FO) : " Des traust die nie !!! "

... des Kopiloten: " Was meinst Du mit ´Ich hab´ vergessen zu tanken´ ? "

... des Piloten: " Keine Angst, der Flieger stürzt nicht ab ! "
... des Piloten:
" Warum leuchten denn alle Lämpchen auf ? "
... des Piloten: " Was'n das für´n Loch in der Tragfläche ? "
... des Piloten:
" Ist es normal, dass auf der Wolke da eine Bergziege steht ?! "
... des Piloten, 20.000 Meter hoch: " Herrlich, diese plötzliche Stille ... "

... des Bomberpiloten über feindlichem Gebiet: " Boa, tolles Feuerwerk ! "
... des Jagdbomberpiloten:
" In Rückenlage sollte man die Bomben nicht ausklinken... NICHT ! "

... der Stewardess: " Kein Problem. Mit dem Piloten bin ich schon öfter geflogen."
... der neuen Stewardess: " Hier ist schlechte Luft, ich öffne mal die Türe."

... der Blondine im Flugzeug: " Guck mal, ich kann mit meinem Handy die Tragflächen bewegen."
... der anderen Blondine im Flugzeug: " Schau mal, ich kann mit dem Handy die Landeklappen ausfahren ! "

... des Vogels in der Luft: " Pass auf da kommt ein Hubschrab ... schrab ... schrab ... schrab. "



  • On an ocean crossing flight: “This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat
    cushions can be used as floatation devices...”
  • “Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant
    and receive an extra pack of peanuts.”
  • “Our sudden loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines
    new commitment to make your flight a sight seeing expedition.”
  • “Goose ! Bogey at 2 O'clock ... He's hot on our tail ! ... Eject ! Eject !”
  • As the plane turns around right after takeoff: “... uhhhhh ... We have to go back. ... We... We... uhhhhh ...forgot something...”
  • “Ummmmmm ... Sorry everybody ...” (silence)
  • “To the passengers on the right-hand side of the plane, I'm sure you've noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in
    weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.”
  • Fasten your seat belts!” (Spoken in the same tone your friend with suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in a car.)
  • “This is your Captain speaking, these damn planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to...
    so please give me some leeway if this flight doesn't go to well.”
  • “It would be a good idea right now if everyone would close their shades and watch the in-flight movie.”
  • “We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and... Damn!”
  • “Aww, I can't figure out how to turn this thing off and don't worry, that gauge is always on 'E'.”
  • “Stewardess would you please bring four parachutes to the front cabin.”
  • From the stewardess after placing a drink order: “Okay, this man wants a soda and we need three martinis for the cockpit.”
  • “Hey, why don't you tell that new stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane.”
  • Thank you very much for choosing Mandarin Airlines. We're now about taking off at Hong Kong Chek Lap Kok.
    At your right side you can see the beautiful ocean. In front you can watch the in-flight movie.
    At your left side... um... please don't look at your left!


AA (American Airlines):
1. Always Awful
2. Abort! Abort!

AI (Air India): Allah Informed

1. Always Late In Takeoff/ Transit; Always Late In Arrival
2. Air Line In Tokyo And Luggage In Amsterdam
3. Airplane Landed In Tokyo And Luggage In Atlanta
4. A Little Italian Tit And Lotsa Italitan Ass
5. A Little Italian Tradition And Lotsa Italian Attitude

1. A Miracle Each Rider Is Currently Alive Now
2. Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps And Nausea

AUA: Almost Unknown Airline

AWA: Always Wasting Assets

1. Bloody Awful
2. British Apoplectic

BEA: Better Eat Afterwards

BOAC (British Overseas Airways Corp.):
1. Better- Off On A Camel
2. Bloody, Old And Careless
3. Better On A Camel
4. Blast Off And Crash

Boeing: Broken Off Engines In Numerous Gardens

1. Baggage Wandering In Africa
2. Better Walk If you're Able
3. Born to Wait In Airports
4. But Will I Arrive?

CA (China Airlines): Choose Another

CAAC (Chinese Avation Airline Company):
1. Chinese Airlines Always Cancel
2. China Airlines Always Crashes

CAI (Canadian Aitlines International):
1. Crash And Ignite
2. Call Ambulance Immediately
3. Circle Airport Indefinitely
4. Cruise Above Iceland
5. Cancel Alaskan Itinerary
6. Call Attendants " Idiots"
7. Check All Items
8. Co-pilots Are Imbeciles
9. Casual Atmosphere Inside

CPA (Canadian Airlines International):
Can't Promise Anything

Dan Air: Dangerous And Nearly Always Incredibly Rough

1. Doesn't Even/ Ever Leave The Airport
2. Don't Even Let Them Aboard
3. Departing Even Later Than Anticipated
4. Damaged Engines Limit Take-off Ability
5. Departures Extra- Late, Tardy Arrivals
6. Directed Everybody's Luggage To Atlanta
7. Doesn't Ever Let Terrorists Aboard
8. Doesn't Experiences Like This Andrenalize?
9. Drunken Engineers Land Too Abruptly

EAA: Even Apes Aviate

EAL (Eastern): Eastern's Always Late

1. Egyptian Louting Arab Loathing
2. Every Landing Always Late/ Lousy
3. Everyones Luggage Always Lost

Finnair: Flies Ideally? Nah, Not Airbourne In Reality

JAL: Journey Always Late

JAT (Yugoslav Airlines):
Joke About Time

LOT (Polish Airlines):
1. Last One There
2. Luggage On Tarmack (wave bye bye!)
3. Lots Of Trouble

1. Luggage Is Always Tardy
2. Lost Inbetween Antigua and Trinidad
3. Leave Island Any Time

1. Let Us Fuck The Horses, Are No Stewardesses Available?
2. Let Us Fiddle The Hostess And Not Say Anything
3. Let Us Fuck The Hostess And Never See Again
4. Let Us Fuck The Hostess As No Stewards Available

Nobody Out Ranks This Horrid, Worthless,
Excruciatingly Sluggish Transport

Olympic: Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash

PA (Philippine Airways): Please Avoid

PAL (Philippine Airlines): Philippines/ Plane Always Late

1. Plan On Arriving Nervewracked And Mad
2. Passengers Always Need A Mortician
3. Pilots Are Not A Must
4. Poor Airline Needs Any Money

PIA (Pakistan International Airlines):
1. Please Inform Allah
2. Panic In Air
3. Perhaps I Arrive
4. Passenger's Illegal Abductor

PSA: Paul's Saturday Airline

1. Pete's Wobbly Airline
2. Piddly Widdly Airline
3. Please Wait Awhile

1. Queer And Nasty Types As Stewards
2. Queasy And Nauseous, Tired And Sick
3. Queers And Nymphomaniacs Trained As Stewards
4. Quick And Nasty Transportation, Australian Style
5. Quite A Neat Trick, Arriving Safely
6. Quite A Nice Trip, Any Survivors?
7. Quits Air-travel, Next Time Approaches Ship

Sabena (Belgium):
Such A Bad/ Bloody Experience, Never Again

SAHSA (Servicio Aero Honduras SA):
Stay At Home, Stay Alive

SAS (Scandinavian Airline System):
1. Sweet And Sexy
2. Sex And Service
3. Service After Sex
4. Sex And Satisfaction
5. Such A S***

SIA (Singapore International Airlines):
1. So Incredible, Aah
2. Sex In the Air
3. Singapore Imitates America

SWISS (Swiss International Air Lines): NEU
So What It's Still Swissair

1. Take- A- Chance Airline
2. Take Another Carrier Always
3. Take A Coffin Along
4. Tome Alcohol Cuanda Aborda

TAP (Portuguese Airlines):
1. Take Another Plane
2. Take A Parachute

THY: They Hate You

TWA (Transworld Airlines):
1. Travel Without Arrival
2. Try Walking, Asshole
3. Try Walking Again/ Across
4. The Worst Airline
5. Took Wrong Airline
6. Try Walking Across (transatlantic perspective)
7. Travel With Arabs
8. Terrorist Welcome Aboard
9. Terrorists With Arms
10. Teenie Weenie Airlines
11. Traveling Without Air
12. Tiny Wings Aflappin'!!!
13. That Was Accidental
14. That Was Awful
15. Try With Another
16. Today's Worst Airline
17. Tomorrow We'll Arrive
18. Tomorrow's Widebody Accident
19. Totally Wasted Airlines

1. U Need Insurance That Exempts Death
2. Usually Not Enclined To Eliminate Disasters

USAir (formerly Allegheny Airlines):
1. Unfortunately, Still Alleghany In Reality
2. Underwater Seats Available In Rear Uta:
1. Unlikely To Arrive
2. Unable To Ascend

Varig: Virgin's Are Rare In Glasgow

Virgin: Very Interesting Ride; Going Into Nymphos

www.hlf.de: world wide warning have low fuel declare emergency



Aer Lingus: Aer Fungus Microsoft Flight Simulator ?
Aeroperu: Aeroperhaps
Air Afrique: Air Freak(out)
Air Canada: Err Canada
Air France: Air Chance
Air Wisconsin: Scare Wisconsin
Alleghany Air: Agony Air (USAir since many years)
British Airways: 1. Brutish Airways 2. Brutish Scareways
Cascade Airways: Crashcade Scareways
Continental: Contemptible
Lufthansa: Lusthansa
Midwest Express: Midwest Excess (True, but worth it)
Mohawk: Slowhawk
Northwest: 1. Northworst 2. Northwaste
People Express: 1. CattleCar Express 2. People Distress 3. People Compress
Piedmont: Piedmonster (merged with USAir)
Quebec Air: Quick Air
TWA: TightWad Airlines
United: Untied
US Air: 1. Useless Air 2. US Scare 3. YouSAir 4. USAirheads