"Flying
is not dangerous, but crashing is !"
ZURÜCK
FLUGZEUGE
vs. FRAUEN -
Warum Flugzeuge besser sind als Frauen
Flugzeuge kommen immer mit Bedienungsanleitung.
Flugzeuge haben strenge Gewichts- und
Schwerpunktvorgaben.
Ein Flugzeug wird wegen eines Touch and Go's nicht gleich
sauer.
Ein Flugzeug nimmt es Dir nicht übel, wenn Du Dich mit
einem anderem Flugzeug vergnügst.
Ein Flugzeug lässt sich leichter auf den Rücken legen.
Ein Flugzeug bewegt sich, wenn Du es ihm sagst.
Flugzeuge brauchen nicht ewig, um warm zu werden.
Flugzeuge machen es auch gerne andersherum.
Flugzeuge verlieren schneller Gewicht.
Flugzeuge bleiben länger schön.
Flugzeuge kümmert es nicht, wie viele Flugzeuge man
schon geflogen hat.
Flugzeuge stört es nicht, wenn man anderen Flugzeugen
hinterherschaut, oder sich Flugzeugmagazine kauft.
Flugzeuge sind immer in der Stimmung für ein bisschen
Spaß.
Flugzeuge beschimpfen Dich nicht, wenn Du ein schlechter
Pilot bist.
Man kann ein Flugzeug ohne Sorge vor Sonnenaufgang wieder
verlassen.
Man kann den (Leistungs)Höhepunkt eines Flugzeuges
vorher berechnen.
Man kann sein Flugzeug mit Freunden teilen.
Du musst nicht auf dem Typ eifersüchtig sein, der an
Deinem Flugzeug arbeitet.
Du musst Dich nicht mit Pfarrern rumärgern, um Dein
Flugzeug zu registrieren.
Du musst nicht duschen, bevor Du mit deinem Flugzeug
ausgehst.
Deine Eltern wollen nicht mit Deinem alten Flugzeug in
Kontakt bleiben, nachdem Du es abgestoßen hast.
Dein Flugzeug will nie allein mit anderen Flugzeugen
ausgehen.
Wenn Dein Flugzeug raucht, kannst Du etwas dagegen tun.
Wenn Du schlimme Sachen zu deinem Flugzeug gesagt hast,
musst Du Dich nicht erst entschuldigen, bevor Du wieder
damit fliegen kannst.
ZURÜCK
NACH OBEN
AIRPLANES
AND WOMEN - a
comparison study
An
airplane can kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.
Airplanes like to do it inverted.
Airplanes can be turned on by the flick of a switch.
An airplane does not get mad if you "touch and
go".
Airplanes come with manuals.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you
have flown.
When flying, you and your aircraft arrive at the same
time.
Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes or
buy airplane magazines.
MAINTENANCE COMPLAINTS and corrective action by
mechanics
UPDATE
P stands for the
problem the pilots entered in the
logbook, and A stands for the
corrective action taken by the mechanics.
P: Left inside main tire almost
needs replacement.
A: Almost replaced left inside
main tire
P: Test flight OK, except autoland
very rough.
A: Autoland not installed on this
aircraft.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
A: Suspect you're right.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
A: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
A: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Evidence of leak on right main
landing gear.
A: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
A: DME volume set to more
believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle
levers to stick.
A: That's what they're there for.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
A: Aircraft warned to straighten
up, "fly right", and be serious.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note:
this was for a piston-engine airplane; the pilot meant
the engine was not running smoothly)
A: Engine found on right wing
after brief search.
P: #2 Propeller seeping prop
fluid.
A: #2 Propeller seepage normal -
#1 #3 and #4 propellers lack of normal seepage.
P: IFF inoperative.
A: IFF always inoperative in OFF
mode. (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
P: Noise behind left panel. Sounds
like a little man with a hammer.
A: Removed hammer from the little
man.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode
produces a 200-fpm descent.
A: Cannot reproduce problem on
ground.
P: "The autopilot doesn't
work."
A: "IT DOES NOW."
P: Radar hums.
A: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Target Radar hums.
A:
Reprogrammed
Target Radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
A: Cat installed
PILOTS PRAYER
Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come,
thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions
As we forgive those who cut us off on
final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.
ROGER
- The PILOT
always make THE RULES.
- THE RULES are
subject to change at any time without prior
notification.
- No CO-PILOT can
possibly know all THE RULES.
- If the PILOT
suspects the CO-PILOT knows all THE RULES,
he must immediately change some or all THE RULES.
- The PILOT is never
wrong.
- If the PILOT is
wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was
a direct result of something the CO-PILOT did or
said wrong.
- The CO-PILOT must
apologize immediately for causing such
misunderstanding.
- The PILOT may
change his mind at any time.
- The CO-PILOT must
never change his mind without the express written
concent of the PILOT.
- The PILOT has
every right to be angry or upset at any time.
- The CO-PILOT must
remain calm at all times unless the PILOT wants
him to be angry and/or upset.
- The CO-PILOT is
expected to mind read at all times.
- The PILOT is ready
when he is ready.
- The CO-PILOT must
be ready at all times.
- Any attempt to
document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
- The CO-PILOT who
doesn't abide by THE RULES is grounded.
ZURÜCK
NACH OBEN
- Every
takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
- If you push the
stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull
the stick back, they get smaller.
That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all
the way back, then they get bigger again.
- Flying
isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
- It's always better
to be down here wishing you were up there than
being up there wishing you were down here.
- The
ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're
on fire.
- The propeller is
just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep
the pilot cool. Want proof ?
When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot
start sweating.
- When
in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has
ever collided with the sky.
- A 'good' landing
is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
landing is one after which they can use the plane
again.
- Learn
from the mistakes of others. You won't live long
enough to make all of them yourself.
- Stay out of
clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking
about might be another airplane going in the
opposite direction.
Reliable sources also report that mountains have
been known to hide out in clouds.
- Always
try to keep the number of landings you make equal
to the number of take-offs you've made.
- There are three
simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
- You
start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of
experience.
The trick is to fill the bag of experience before
you empty the bag of luck.
- Helicopters can't
really fly, they're just so ugly that the earth
immediately repels them.
- Good
judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately,
the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
- If all you can see
out of the window is ground that's going round
and round and all you can hear is commotion
coming
from the passenger compartment, things are not at
all as they should be.
- Keep
looking around. There's always something you've
missed.
- In the ongoing
battle between objects made of aluminum going
hundreds of miles per hour
and the ground going zero miles per hour, the
ground has yet to lose.
- The
three most useless things to a pilot are the
altitude above you, a runway behind you,
and a tenth of a second ago.
- The three most
dangerous things in aviation are a doctor in a
Bonanza, two captains in a DC-9,
and a flight attendant with a chipped tooth.
- The
three useless things to a pilot are the altitude
above you, a runway behind you,
and the fuel in the fuel truck.
- It's always a good
idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much
as possible.
- Never
let an airplane take you somewhere your brain
didn't get to five minutes earlier.
- Remember: gravity
is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's a
law that is not subject to repeal.
- Flying
is hours of boredom, punctuated by moments of
stark terror.
- Truly superior
pilots are those who use their superior judgment
to avoid those situations
where they might have to use their superior
skills.
- Rule
one: No matter what else happens, fly the
airplane.
- If you're ever
faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the
landing lights to see the landing area.
If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back
off.
- Airspeed,
altitude, or brains; you always need at least
two.
- Sorry folks for
the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault,
and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the
asphault.
- What's
the difference between God and pilots? God
doesn't think he's a pilot.
- Jet and piston
engines work on the same principle: Suck and
squeeze, blow and go.
- What
do you call a pregnant flight attendant? Pilot
error.
- Any landing You can walk
away from is a good landing.
- You can´t make
it foolproof ... fools are too inventive.
1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
2. Me? I've never busted minimum’s.
3. We will be on time, maybe even early.
4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
5. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed
for other reasons.
7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
8. I'm a member of the mile high club.
9. I only need glasses for reading.
10. I broke out right at minimum’s.
11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to
VFR.
12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll
fly.
13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the
lights.
14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000
hours in a Lear.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the book.
18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well
respected.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that
aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual
instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorised.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. We'll be home by lunchtime.
25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.
27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be
wrong?
29. I thought YOU took care of that.
30. I've got the field in sight.
31. I've got the traffic in sight.
32. Of course I know where we are.
33. I'm SURE the gear was down.
THE
LAST FAMOUS WORDS - Die berühmten "letzten
Worte" für alle die hoch hinaus wollen ... UPDATE
Wer kennt sie nicht, die
berühmten "letzten Worte" ...
... der Airbus-Crew: " Das
Lämpchen da blinkt - ach vergessen wir´s. "
... des Astronauten: " Nein,
nein, meine Luft reicht noch für eine
Viertelstunde."
... des Astronauten: " Gestern war hier
doch noch so'n Schlauch am Anzug ? "
... des Astronauten: " Wer hat den Kurs
geändert ? "
... der Challenger-Crew : " Laßt die Frau da
mal ans Steuer ! "
... des Ballonfahrers: " Hau ab,
du Krähe ! "
... des Ballonfahrers: " So nahe waren wir noch
nie am Eiffelturm."
... des Bungee-Jumpers:
"
Das ist doch alles TÜV- geprüft ! "
... des Bungee-Jumpers: " Ist das Seil nicht zu
lang ? "
... des Bungee-Jumpers: " Ja, das hält.
"
... des Bungee-Jumpers: " Hurraaaaaaaa !!!
"
... des
Fallschirmspringers (als er in den Bodennebel
eintauchte): " So, dieses kleine Wölkchen nehme
ich noch mit. "
... des Fallschirmspringers: " Von hier oben sehen die
Menschen aus wie Ameisen; Scheiße ! Das sind Ameisen !
"
... des Fallschirmspringers: " Wo ist denn der
Fallschirm ? "
... des
Fallschirmspringers: " Welcher Notfallschirm ?
"
... des Fallschirmspringers: " Heute habe ich ihn selbst
zusammengelegt. "
... des Fallschirmspringers: " Das Ding wird schon
aufgehen. "
... des
Fallschirmspringers : " Scheiß Motten !!! "
... des Fluggastes: " Macht das
was, wenn sich der Propeller nicht mehr dreht ? "
... des Fluglehrers: " Nun
versuchen Sie es alleine. "
... des Flugkapitäns: " Wir
landen in wenigen Minuten planmäßig. "
... des Flugzeugkapitäns,
kurz nach dem Start:
"
Wo ist eigentlich mein Copilot ? "
... des Kapitäns (COM)
: "
Wart´ ich zeig´ Dir was !!! "
... des Kopiloten
(FO) : " Des traust die nie !!! "
... des Kopiloten: " Was
meinst Du mit ´Ich hab´ vergessen zu tanken´ ? "
... des Piloten: " Keine
Angst, der Flieger stürzt nicht ab ! "
... des Piloten: " Warum leuchten denn alle Lämpchen
auf ? "
...
des Piloten: " Was'n das für´n Loch in der
Tragfläche ? "
... des Piloten: " Ist es normal, dass auf der Wolke da eine
Bergziege steht ?! "
... des Piloten, 20.000
Meter hoch: "
Herrlich, diese plötzliche Stille ... "
... des Bomberpiloten
über feindlichem Gebiet: " Boa, tolles Feuerwerk !
"
... des Jagdbomberpiloten: " In Rückenlage sollte man
die Bomben nicht ausklinken... NICHT ! "
... der Stewardess: " Kein
Problem. Mit dem Piloten bin ich schon öfter
geflogen."
... der neuen
Stewardess: " Hier ist schlechte Luft, ich
öffne mal die Türe."
... der Blondine im
Flugzeug: " Guck mal, ich kann mit meinem
Handy die Tragflächen bewegen."
... der anderen Blondine im
Flugzeug: "
Schau mal, ich kann mit dem Handy die Landeklappen
ausfahren ! "
... des Vogels in der
Luft: " Pass auf da kommt ein Hubschrab
... schrab ... schrab ... schrab. "
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ON AN
AIRPLANE
- On an ocean
crossing flight: “This is your Captain
speaking, I just wanted to take this time to
remind you that your seat
cushions can be used as floatation
devices...”
- “Hey folks,
we're going to play a little game of geography
trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell
your flight attendant
and receive an extra pack of peanuts.”
- “Our sudden
loss of altitude allows a unique close up
perspective of the local terrain. I assure you
that it's all part of our airlines
new commitment to make your flight a sight seeing
expedition.”
- “Goose !
Bogey at 2 O'clock ... He's hot on our tail ! ...
Eject ! Eject !”
- As the plane turns
around right after takeoff: “... uhhhhh ...
We have to go back. ... We... We... uhhhhh
...forgot something...”
- “Ummmmmm ...
Sorry everybody ...” (silence)
- “To the
passengers on the right-hand side of the plane,
I'm sure you've noticed the loss of an engine,
however the reduction in
weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much
more efficiently now.”
- Fasten your seat
belts!” (Spoken in the same tone your friend
with suicidal driving tendencies uses when you
get in a car.)
- “This is your
Captain speaking, these damn planes are a lot
different than the ships I'm used to...
so please give me some leeway if this flight
doesn't go to well.”
- “It would be
a good idea right now if everyone would close
their shades and watch the in-flight movie.”
- “We've now
reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet
and... Damn!”
- “Aww, I can't
figure out how to turn this thing off and don't
worry, that gauge is always on 'E'.”
- “Stewardess
would you please bring four parachutes to the
front cabin.”
- From the
stewardess after placing a drink order:
“Okay, this man wants a soda and we need
three martinis for the cockpit.”
- “Hey, why
don't you tell that new stewardess she can come
sit on my lap and fly the plane.”
- Thank you very
much for choosing Mandarin Airlines. We're now
about taking off at Hong Kong Chek Lap Kok.
At your right side you can see the beautiful
ocean. In front you can watch the in-flight
movie.
At your left side... um... please don't look at
your left!
AA (American Airlines):
1. Always Awful
2. Abort! Abort! AI (Air India): Allah
Informed
Alitalia:
1. Always Late In Takeoff/ Transit; Always Late
In Arrival
2. Air Line In Tokyo And Luggage In Amsterdam
3. Airplane Landed In Tokyo And Luggage In
Atlanta
4. A Little Italian Tit And Lotsa Italitan Ass
5. A Little Italian Tradition And Lotsa Italian
Attitude
American:
1. A Miracle Each Rider Is Currently Alive Now
2. Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps
And Nausea
AUA:
Almost Unknown Airline
AWA:
Always Wasting Assets
BA:
1. Bloody Awful
2. British Apoplectic
BEA:
Better Eat Afterwards
BOAC
(British Overseas Airways Corp.):
1. Better- Off On A Camel
2. Bloody, Old And Careless
3. Better On A Camel
4. Blast Off And Crash
Boeing:
Broken Off Engines In Numerous Gardens
BWIA:
1. Baggage Wandering In Africa
2. Better Walk If you're Able
3. Born to Wait In Airports
4. But Will I Arrive?
CA
(China Airlines): Choose Another
CAAC
(Chinese Avation Airline Company):
1. Chinese Airlines Always Cancel
2. China Airlines Always Crashes
CAI
(Canadian Aitlines International):
1. Crash And Ignite
2. Call Ambulance Immediately
3. Circle Airport Indefinitely
4. Cruise Above Iceland
5. Cancel Alaskan Itinerary
6. Call Attendants " Idiots"
7. Check All Items
8. Co-pilots Are Imbeciles
9. Casual Atmosphere Inside
CPA
(Canadian Airlines International):
Can't Promise Anything
Dan
Air: Dangerous And Nearly Always
Incredibly Rough
DELTA:
1. Doesn't Even/ Ever Leave The Airport
2. Don't Even Let Them Aboard
3. Departing Even Later Than Anticipated
4. Damaged Engines Limit Take-off Ability
5. Departures Extra- Late, Tardy Arrivals
6. Directed Everybody's Luggage To Atlanta
7. Doesn't Ever Let Terrorists Aboard
8. Doesn't Experiences Like This Andrenalize?
9. Drunken Engineers Land Too Abruptly
EAA:
Even Apes Aviate
EAL
(Eastern): Eastern's Always Late
EL AL:
1. Egyptian Louting Arab Loathing
2. Every Landing Always Late/ Lousy
3. Everyones Luggage Always Lost
Finnair:
Flies Ideally? Nah, Not Airbourne In Reality
JAL:
Journey Always Late
JAT
(Yugoslav Airlines):
Joke About Time
LOT
(Polish Airlines):
1. Last One There
2. Luggage On Tarmack (wave bye bye!)
3. Lots Of Trouble
Liat:
1. Luggage Is Always Tardy
2. Lost Inbetween Antigua and Trinidad
3. Leave Island Any Time
Lufthansa:
1. Let Us Fuck The Horses, Are No Stewardesses
Available?
2. Let Us Fiddle The Hostess And Not Say Anything
3. Let Us Fuck The Hostess And Never See Again
4. Let Us Fuck The Hostess As No Stewards
Available
|
Northwest:
Nobody Out Ranks This Horrid, Worthless,
Excruciatingly Sluggish Transport Olympic:
Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash
PA
(Philippine Airways): Please Avoid
PAL
(Philippine Airlines): Philippines/
Plane Always Late
PAN AM:
1. Plan On Arriving Nervewracked And Mad
2. Passengers Always Need A Mortician
3. Pilots Are Not A Must
4. Poor Airline Needs Any Money
PIA
(Pakistan International Airlines):
1. Please Inform Allah
2. Panic In Air
3. Perhaps I Arrive
4. Passenger's Illegal Abductor
PSA:
Paul's Saturday Airline
PWA:
1. Pete's Wobbly Airline
2. Piddly Widdly Airline
3. Please Wait Awhile
Qantas:
1. Queer And Nasty Types As Stewards
2. Queasy And Nauseous, Tired And Sick
3. Queers And Nymphomaniacs Trained As Stewards
4. Quick And Nasty Transportation, Australian
Style
5. Quite A Neat Trick, Arriving Safely
6. Quite A Nice Trip, Any Survivors?
7. Quits Air-travel, Next Time Approaches Ship
Sabena
(Belgium):
Such A Bad/ Bloody Experience, Never
Again
SAHSA
(Servicio Aero Honduras SA):
Stay At Home, Stay Alive
SAS
(Scandinavian Airline System):
1. Sweet And Sexy
2. Sex And Service
3. Service After Sex
4. Sex And Satisfaction
5. Such A S***
SIA
(Singapore International Airlines):
1. So Incredible, Aah
2. Sex In the Air
3. Singapore Imitates America
SWISS
(Swiss International Air Lines): NEU
So What It's Still Swissair
TACA:
1. Take- A- Chance Airline
2. Take Another Carrier Always
3. Take A Coffin Along
4. Tome Alcohol Cuanda Aborda
TAP
(Portuguese Airlines):
1. Take Another Plane
2. Take A Parachute
THY:
They Hate You
TWA
(Transworld Airlines):
1. Travel Without Arrival
2. Try Walking, Asshole
3. Try Walking Again/ Across
4. The Worst Airline
5. Took Wrong Airline
6. Try Walking Across (transatlantic perspective)
7. Travel With Arabs
8. Terrorist Welcome Aboard
9. Terrorists With Arms
10. Teenie Weenie Airlines
11. Traveling Without Air
12. Tiny Wings Aflappin'!!!
13. That Was Accidental
14. That Was Awful
15. Try With Another
16. Today's Worst Airline
17. Tomorrow We'll Arrive
18. Tomorrow's Widebody Accident
19. Totally Wasted Airlines
United:
1. U Need Insurance That Exempts Death
2. Usually Not Enclined To Eliminate Disasters
USAir
(formerly Allegheny Airlines):
1. Unfortunately, Still Alleghany In Reality
2. Underwater Seats Available In Rear Uta:
1. Unlikely To Arrive
2. Unable To Ascend
Varig:
Virgin's Are Rare In Glasgow
Virgin:
Very Interesting Ride; Going Into Nymphos
www.hlf.de: world
wide warning have low fuel declare emergency
|
Aer Lingus:
Aer Fungus 
Aeroperu: Aeroperhaps
Air Afrique: Air Freak(out)
Air Canada: Err Canada
Air France: Air Chance
Air Wisconsin: Scare Wisconsin
Alleghany Air: Agony Air (USAir since
many years)
British Airways: 1. Brutish Airways 2.
Brutish Scareways
Cascade Airways: Crashcade Scareways
Continental: Contemptible
Lufthansa: Lusthansa
Midwest Express: Midwest Excess (True,
but worth it)
Mohawk: Slowhawk
Northwest: 1. Northworst 2. Northwaste
People Express: 1. CattleCar Express 2.
People Distress 3. People Compress
Piedmont: Piedmonster (merged with
USAir)
Quebec Air: Quick Air
TWA: TightWad Airlines
United: Untied
US Air: 1. Useless Air 2. US Scare 3.
YouSAir 4. USAirheads
|
