"Flying
is pure boredom interrupted by moments of real terror
!"
 
ZURÜCK
ATC:
"N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred
fifty knots indicated."
- I heard this
exchange when flying to Lancaster, PA:
LNS tower: "Cessna 1234X, report three mile
final."
Cessna 1234X: "Unable, we're negative
DME."
- Heard in the Bay
Area: BB: "Barnburner 123, Request 8300
feet."
Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123, say reason
for requested altitude."
BB: "Because the last 2 times I've been at
8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at
8500 feet going the wrong way!"
Bay: "That's a good reason. 8300
approved."
- A husband suspects
his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she
keeps denying it until finally the husband just
knew when
his wife said: Honey, I've told you once, I've
told you twice, I've told you niner thousand
times, negative on the affair ...
- "Renting
airplanes is like renting sex: It's difficult to
arrange on short notice on Saturday, the fun
things always cost more,
and someone's always looking at their
watch."
- What's the
difference between God and pilots? God doesn't
think he's a pilot.
- This story is
TRUE: told by the pilot and confirmed by ATC.
Southend ATC: National 676 - Cleared for takeoff;
report passing 2000ft.
NAA676: Cleared for takeoff; call you passing
2000.
NAA676: Southend 676 is passing 2000, climbing
Southend ATC: 676 call London 128.6
NAA676: To London 128.6 - see you on the way
home.
(in the process of changing freq. 676 loses the
door - yes the DOOR on a BE90)
NAA676: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday London Control
this is National 676, 4 miles west of Southend,
2500 ft - I've lost the door and am returning
climbing to 4000 ft and returning to Southend.
London ATC: NAA 676, roger. Are you in control of
the Aircraft ?
NAA676: No more than usual !!!!
- It's night over
Las Vegas, information hotel is current and
Mooney 33W is unfamiliar and talking to approach
control :
Approach:
33W confirm you have hotel.
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren
International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room
yet.
Approach
control was laughing too hard to respond. The
next several calls went like this :
Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a
hotel room either.
- What's the
difference between American pilots and Iraqi
pilots? American pilots break ground and fly into
the wind.
- If God had meant
man to fly, he would have given him more money.
- About five years
ago I worked at an FBO in Atlanta on the line.
The Sales Dept. would let us ferry a/c whenever
they had
something we could handle, so I ended up ferrying
a Saratoga out to Johnson Co. Executive about 20
or so miles south of Kansas City.
The guy to whom I delivered the plane flew me
over to Kansas City Int'l in a Malibu to hop a
Delta flight back to Atlanta.
Real nice day, about dusk, and we were being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order
to land......
KC Appch:
"Malibu 229, you're following a 727, one
o'clock and three miles."
Us: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Appch: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow
is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do
you have that traffic?"
Delta 105: (long pause, and in a thick southern
drawl) "Wwweelllll, I've got something down
there.
Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle,
though."
- A couple of TAC
pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36
bomber and were chinning with the pilot of the
bomber to pass the time.
Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits
of their respective aircraft with the fighter
pilots holding that their planes made for more
interes-
ting flying because of the manueverability,
acceleration and the like. The B-36 pilot replied
"Yeh? Well this old girl can do a few tricks
you
guys can't even touch." Naturally, he was
challenged to demonstrate. "Watch," he
tells them.
After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to
the air and says, "There! How was
that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter
pilots say,
"What are talking about?" Reply,
"Well, I went for a little stroll, got a cup
of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the
navigator."
- Modified Slogans
for Delta Airlines : "We love to fly and
it's close." or "We love to show our
flies."
- The Top Ten New
Advertising Slogans for Delta Airlines (From
David Letterman)
10. We're Amtrak with Wings
9. Join Our
Frequent Near-Miss Program
8. Ask
About Out-of-Court Settlements
7. Noisy
Engines ? We'll Turn 'Em Off !
6.
Complimentary Champagne in Free-Fall
5. Enjoy
the In-Flight Movie on the Plane Next to You
4. The Kids
Will Love Our Inflatable Slides
3.
Terrorists Are Afraid to Fly with Us
2. Our
Pilots Are Terminally Ill and Have Nothing to
Lose
1. We Might
Be Landing on Your Street !
- Pilot
-"Folks, we have reached our cruising
altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat
belt sign off.
Feel free to move about as you wish, but please
stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit
cold outside,
and if you walk on the wings it affects the
flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for
flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."
- Once on a
Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've
reached our cruising altitude now, and
I'm turning off the seat belt sign.
I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I
can come back there and visit with all of
you for the rest of the
flight."
- An airline
pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the runway
really hard.
The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to
stand at the door while the passengers exited,
give a smile,
and a "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that in light
of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten
off except for this little old lady walking with
a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I
ask you a question ?" "Why no
Ma'am," said the
pilot, "what is it ?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or
were we shot down ?"
- It's an apocryphal
story that happened late one night during bad
weather, as heard over the tower radio:
Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at
3000 over beacon."
Second voice: "NO ! You can't be doing that
! I'm holding at 3000 over that beacon !"
(brief pause, then first voice again): "You
idiot, you're my co-pilot."
- Controller sitting
next to his collegue is trying to change Mooney
45Q to his freq, but gets no response.
Thinking that the Mooney may have already
switched to the freq of his collegue
accidentally, since he's a local pilot
who knew it was coming, he asks his collegue to
check.
Collegue: "Mooney 45Q, are you on this
frequency?"
45Q: "Negative. But I should be any time
now."
- *Many* commercial
aircraft are stacked up waiting for approach to
O'Hare Int'l, ATC has inflicted numerous delays,
and some planes are already 1-2 hours late. The
WX is good, it's just that there is a traffic
bottleneck somewhere.
Pilots, passengers, crew are all getting quite
frustrated and angry.
ATC:
"All aircraft holding, expect 20 minutes
additional delay."
Unknown A/C: "Ahhh . . . bullshit !"
ATC: "Aircraft making last transmission,
identify yourself."
(silence)
ATC: "Aircraft making last transmission,
identify yourself immediately!"
(silence)
ATC: "Aircraft using 'bullshit' in last
transmission, identify yourself. American 411,
was that you?"
American 411: "Approach, American 411:
negative on the 'bullshit', sir."
NW 202: "Approach, NW 202: negative on the
'bullshit'."
Delta 55: "Approach, Delta 55: negative on
the 'bullshit'."
NW 33: "Approach, NW 33: we have a negative
on that 'bullshit'."
. . . and so on, right through the entire pattern
- The loadmaster on
a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's
seat for awhile.
He started jabbering away, not realizing that he
was transmitting on Uniform instead of over the
ICS.
LM:
"Hey, this is great ! I see why you
engineers like this seat so much -- you can see
everything from here !
This is just like the starship Enterprise ! All
ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten !"
Followed shortly afterward by:
ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom,
Captain Kirk ? You're transmitting on my
frequency !"
- Story I heard when
I was getting my private on Long Island: Local
fellow working his way up had padded
his logbook with extra twin time. For a couple of
these "flights" he'd used the tail
number of a twin he'd seen
passing through his airport -- it looked like it
was from far away, and headed back there.
The checkride was at a bigger airport nearby.
After the ride the examiner was looking at the
logbook and checking the totals.
"Nice
plane, that N12345" says the examiner.
"Sure is," says the candidate.
"I don't suppose you know that I own that
plane ?" asked the examiner as he motioned
out the window to where it was parked, just down
the line.
- Transmission as a
DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...
San Jose
Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end
if able.
If not
able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101
back to the airport.
- Tower:
"12345, are you a Cessna ?"
12345: "No....I am a male hispanic."
- An FAA Inspector
walked into a doctor's office with a frog on his
head.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you
?"
And the frog said, "Take this wart off my
butt."
- A small, 14-seat
plane is circling for a landing in Allentown.
It's totally fogged in, zero visibility, and
suddenly
there's a small electrical fire in the cockpit
which disables all of the instruments and the
radio.
The pilot continues circling, totally lost, when
suddenly he finds himself flying next to a tall
office building.
He rolls
down the window (this particular plane happens to
have roll-down windows) and yells to a person
inside
the building "Where are we?" The person
responds "In an airplane !"
The pilot then banks sharply to the right,
circles twice, and makes a perfect landing at
ABE.
As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one
of them says to the pilot,
"I'm certainly glad you were able to land
safely, but I don't understand how the response
you got was any use."
"Simple," responded the pilot. "I
got an answer that was completely accurate and
totally irrelevant to my problem,
so I knew it had to be the PP&L
building."
- Pilot: Oakland
Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy, Taxi,
Destination Stockton.
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report
leaving the airport.
- Pilot coming in
with his buddy who had never flown before :
Pilot: This
is 1234 Delta five miles north for landing with
Mike.
The tower clears him and he lands. When they shut
down, the passenger, whose name is Mike, says,
"Why'd you have to tell them that I was with
you ?"
- Dead reckoning
still has its place. There was a pilot calling
Center : "Help, I'm hopelessly lost over
Gravette, Ark.".
The controlers looked at each other, and after a
chuckle, the controller for that area asked the
pilot.
"If you are hopelessly lost, how do you know
you are over Gravette, Ark. ?"
The pilot said "Because I'm circling the
water tank and it says Gravette, Ark.!!"
(The town was too small to be on his sectionals).
- Tower: Hotel-1,
cleared to hover taxi, stay clear of Runway 16,
Cessna 123 in the pattern doing touch and go's.
123: Cessna 123, downwind for 16.
H-1: Uh, Tower, could we get some progressive
taxi instructions ?
Tower: Roger, Hotel-1...you're going the WRONG
WAY, Sir...(brief instructions)...and remain
clear of 16.
123: Cessna 123, turning left base for 16.
Tower: Hotel-1, proceed on course. Break. Cessna
123 fly through final, 270 to 16.
123: (Pause. Confusion...fly through..? Vectors?
No...Huh?) "Cessna 123, uh, sorry could you
repeat that last ?"
Tower: Cessna 123, fly through your final, right
270 back to 16. (Pregnant pause)
Tower:
...Kinda like an 'off-ramp'. (Another pause, but
shorter this time)
123: Roger that, 123 takin' the next exit, will
call final.
- On a plane bound
for New York the flight attendant approached a
blonde sitting in the first class section
and requested that she move to coach since she
did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm
beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not
moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight
attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to
please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm
beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not
moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked
the captain what he should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde,
and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered
in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up
and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself,
"Why didn't anyone just say so."
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot
asked what he said to her that finally convinced
her to move from her seat.
The pilot
replied, "I told her the first class section
wasn't going to New York."
- The Air Traffic
Control Tower heard a 'Mayday' call fram a small
airplane in distress flown by a blonde.
The control tower asked, "Aircraft calling
Mayday ; what is your height and your position
?"
The blonde replied,"I am 5' 10" tall
and I am sitting in the cockpit !"
- A man was taking
flying lessons. The instructor told him not to
talk during the lesson.
So, once down on the ground and the lesson over
for the day, the instructor says,
"Congratulations, you didn't say a word. I
can't believe it !"
The man replied,"Well, I almost did, when my
wife fell out !"
- A man telephoned
an airline office in New York and asked,
"How long does it take to fly to
Boston?"
The clerk said, "Just a minute."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.
- A man walks
up to the counter at the airport. "Can I
help you?" asks the agent.
"I want a round trip ticket," says the
man.
"Where to?" asks the agent.
"Right back to here."
- An airliner was
having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed
the cabin crew to have the passengers take their
seats
and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight
attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the
reply, "except the lawyers are still going
around passing out business cards."
- On a quiet sunny
afternoon at Dublin Airport in Ireland, a bored
air traffic controller watched as two aircraft
taxied out
to line up for take off. One was an Aer Lingus
Boeing 747 and the other a student pilot on board
a Cessna 152.
Both were cleared to line up and hold, the 747 on
Runway 24 and the Cessna on Runway 35.
Firstly turning his attention to the Cessna the
tower radioed: "Echo India Bravo Golf Lima,
cleared to take off, Runway 35 with a left
turnout to the North West sector."
The Cessna took off and put-putted its way into
the sky.
Then turning his attention to the 747, the
controller said: "Aer Lingus 105 cleared
takeoff Runway 24,
right turnout direct track to
Shannon...........Caution wake turbelence from a
departing Cessna off Runway 35."
- A passenger piled
his cases on the scale at an airline counter in
New York and said to the clerk,
"I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the
square case to go to Denver and the two round
ones to go to Seattle."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
"Why not ? You did it last time !"
- While flying in
Atlanta airspace late one evening the following
conversation took place on Atlanta Center
frequency:
Cessna 1234: Atlanta center do you have
time to talk ?
Center: Cessna 1234 go ahead.
Cessna 1234: I'm a student pilot on my first
long solo cross country.
This is the most fun I have ever had.
Unidentified: Sounds like he needs a
girlfriend.
Center: He is probably married with two kids.
Cessna 1234: You are both right !
- Flight 1234, for
noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much
noise can we make up here ?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747
makes when it hits a 727?"
- Heard on a flight
from Leesburg to Titusville:
ATC: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2
o'clock, 500 ft below you.
Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming
towards us ...
ATC: Look again - there's probably a plane
behind that light.
- What is the
definition of a non-precision approach? A blond
on an ILS.
The
New Stealth Fighter - absolutely invisible !
FLYING
JOKES PILOTS 14
How is the weather ?
|
And how is the wind ?
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- and many
more to come ...
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